Spiritual Growth

So I didn't get a chance to do that reading until just now...and it went really well. Actually, it made me cry...(this is not a normal occurrence...in fact, it's rather hard to do). As I mentioned in my last post, I've really been struggling with what I believe in, and where I stand spiritually. It's been very difficult for me because I'm a very spiritual person. Not having that in my life has almost been like not having a core...I feel unbalanced and fragile. All of this is part of the reason I started tarot in the first place. It was the first time I'd felt like I was connected with anything spiritual at all in almost two years. So today I found a spread on http://tarotforum.net/ (one of my favorite sites). It's called the Spiritual Growth Spread. It's a five card spread, laid out like this:

*********5**
*******4****
*****3******
***2********
*1**********

I decided to try it. I pulled out my beloved Shadowscapes Deck and sat down. Before I did the reading, I closed my eyes, and said a prayer out loud. I begged God to give me some guidance, to show me whatever he wanted to show me and whatever I needed to know. I told him how much I'd been struggling and how I really needed some stability and balance in my life. So I wasn't surprised by the first card I drew.

Card One: 
Meaning: Where am I now on my spiritual journey?
Card I Drew: Justice

Justice is all about balance. Just what I seem to be lacking. My current spiritual state is me struggling to find balance and harmony...the book that came with my deck talks about Justice's eyes. They are white, not blind, but blazing with truth. I thought this image was very vivid and effective. That's what I've been searching for: truth.


Card Two: 
Meaning: What is hindering my spiritual growth?
Card I Drew: Nine of Cups (reversed)


This card took me the longest to understand in the reading. It was really puzzling me...there are all of these fish, a huge school of fish, all swimming together, all working as one. But it was supposed to be what was hindering me. I thought about it for a while. And then it hit me. I usually don't read reversals as opposites, I usually think of them more as blocked energy, or repressed feelings. But this card was clearly telling me the opposite. The opposite of being one with a group is being alone. The fish are all swimming together, as if on a journey. But I've been struggling with this for the past two years in silence, only allowing my feelings on the subject to arise when alone. I believe this card is telling me to get out there, and swim with the other fishies! I can't go through life on my own. No matter how scary it may be to open up to other people and admit to my struggles, it is necessary.

Card Three: 
Meaning: What can help me grow spiritually?
Card I Drew: Ace of Swords (reversed)

This one also took me a few minutes to understand. I looked at the card upright, then turned it back to reversed, then read the description in the book, then looked back at the card...and it hit me. Reversed, the hilt of the sword is pointed towards me...almost as if handing it to me. At first I thought it was telling me that it was time to slice and clear away the obstructions in my life to find truth, but once I drew the next card I knew that wasn't the case. (It was telling me to do that, just not yet.) The swans around the sword are also important. They tell me to be lovely and graceful, but also strong and fierce. They also tell me to be unafraid and fight to protect my own...in this case, to protect what I believe. (This also confused me until I drew the next card, since not knowing what I believe is the issue! :P)

Card Four: 
Meaning: What is the next step on my spiritual path?
Card I Drew: Four of Swords

This card really got to me. This is the card that started the crying. This card is all about rest and recovery, freeing your mind and having inner contemplation. But not forever. This is not a card of death, as many people often mistaken it for. It is instead about meditating and clearing your mind and preparing yourself for the battles ahead. She is still holding her sword, ready for the moment when she'll stand up and clear away all the bad and protect her own. (This makes the Ace of Swords make more sense as the third card.) But what really got me where the lotuses around the woman in the picture. The lotuses are symbols of spiritual and mental purity. It says word for word in the book, "They are a living metaphor for a seeker of spiritual truths." When I read that line, I just about fell over. It was just so...real. In that moment, I knew God was listening, and I was overcome with His presence. I may not know the details, but this card let me know that that was ok with God. This whole time I thought he was ashamed that I turned to and from him. But now I know that it's not true. He wants me to go on this journey. He wants me to search and find everything I can to point me in whatever direction I need to be going in. The minute I saw those lotuses, I knew God was listening to me. And for the first time in a long time, I knew that I wasn't alone.
Card Five: 
Meaning: What is possible on this spiritual path?
Card I Drew: Emperor

I just sat down to type what I thought about this card and I was about to write about how my first reaction was "father," and that that didn't make sense to me. But as I thought that the second time around, maybe it does. Could father be pointing to God? In Christianity, God is referred to as The Father. An interesting thought...
Well this card just made me cry even harder. As I said, I was confused at first with this card. I knew the Emperor had to do with father and with strength. But that didn't make complete sense to me. Until I read the description in the book. The last line of the description is this:
"The Emperor is a man rooted in his ways and views and regimens, but confident that this is the right and way of things."
What is possible for me on this spiritual path? Peace. Knowing what I believe, being rooted in it, and being confident in it. That single line gave me hope. I knew God was telling me it was all going to be ok and that I could get through this.

I think this is the most powerful reading I've ever done. It's definitely the most emotional. It gave me hope and peace in knowing that I'm on the right path. What an experience...If I wasn't a believer in tarot before, I sure as heck am now. :)