Spiritual Growth

So I didn't get a chance to do that reading until just now...and it went really well. Actually, it made me cry...(this is not a normal occurrence...in fact, it's rather hard to do). As I mentioned in my last post, I've really been struggling with what I believe in, and where I stand spiritually. It's been very difficult for me because I'm a very spiritual person. Not having that in my life has almost been like not having a core...I feel unbalanced and fragile. All of this is part of the reason I started tarot in the first place. It was the first time I'd felt like I was connected with anything spiritual at all in almost two years. So today I found a spread on http://tarotforum.net/ (one of my favorite sites). It's called the Spiritual Growth Spread. It's a five card spread, laid out like this:

*********5**
*******4****
*****3******
***2********
*1**********

I decided to try it. I pulled out my beloved Shadowscapes Deck and sat down. Before I did the reading, I closed my eyes, and said a prayer out loud. I begged God to give me some guidance, to show me whatever he wanted to show me and whatever I needed to know. I told him how much I'd been struggling and how I really needed some stability and balance in my life. So I wasn't surprised by the first card I drew.

Card One: 
Meaning: Where am I now on my spiritual journey?
Card I Drew: Justice

Justice is all about balance. Just what I seem to be lacking. My current spiritual state is me struggling to find balance and harmony...the book that came with my deck talks about Justice's eyes. They are white, not blind, but blazing with truth. I thought this image was very vivid and effective. That's what I've been searching for: truth.


Card Two: 
Meaning: What is hindering my spiritual growth?
Card I Drew: Nine of Cups (reversed)


This card took me the longest to understand in the reading. It was really puzzling me...there are all of these fish, a huge school of fish, all swimming together, all working as one. But it was supposed to be what was hindering me. I thought about it for a while. And then it hit me. I usually don't read reversals as opposites, I usually think of them more as blocked energy, or repressed feelings. But this card was clearly telling me the opposite. The opposite of being one with a group is being alone. The fish are all swimming together, as if on a journey. But I've been struggling with this for the past two years in silence, only allowing my feelings on the subject to arise when alone. I believe this card is telling me to get out there, and swim with the other fishies! I can't go through life on my own. No matter how scary it may be to open up to other people and admit to my struggles, it is necessary.

Card Three: 
Meaning: What can help me grow spiritually?
Card I Drew: Ace of Swords (reversed)

This one also took me a few minutes to understand. I looked at the card upright, then turned it back to reversed, then read the description in the book, then looked back at the card...and it hit me. Reversed, the hilt of the sword is pointed towards me...almost as if handing it to me. At first I thought it was telling me that it was time to slice and clear away the obstructions in my life to find truth, but once I drew the next card I knew that wasn't the case. (It was telling me to do that, just not yet.) The swans around the sword are also important. They tell me to be lovely and graceful, but also strong and fierce. They also tell me to be unafraid and fight to protect my own...in this case, to protect what I believe. (This also confused me until I drew the next card, since not knowing what I believe is the issue! :P)

Card Four: 
Meaning: What is the next step on my spiritual path?
Card I Drew: Four of Swords

This card really got to me. This is the card that started the crying. This card is all about rest and recovery, freeing your mind and having inner contemplation. But not forever. This is not a card of death, as many people often mistaken it for. It is instead about meditating and clearing your mind and preparing yourself for the battles ahead. She is still holding her sword, ready for the moment when she'll stand up and clear away all the bad and protect her own. (This makes the Ace of Swords make more sense as the third card.) But what really got me where the lotuses around the woman in the picture. The lotuses are symbols of spiritual and mental purity. It says word for word in the book, "They are a living metaphor for a seeker of spiritual truths." When I read that line, I just about fell over. It was just so...real. In that moment, I knew God was listening, and I was overcome with His presence. I may not know the details, but this card let me know that that was ok with God. This whole time I thought he was ashamed that I turned to and from him. But now I know that it's not true. He wants me to go on this journey. He wants me to search and find everything I can to point me in whatever direction I need to be going in. The minute I saw those lotuses, I knew God was listening to me. And for the first time in a long time, I knew that I wasn't alone.
Card Five: 
Meaning: What is possible on this spiritual path?
Card I Drew: Emperor

I just sat down to type what I thought about this card and I was about to write about how my first reaction was "father," and that that didn't make sense to me. But as I thought that the second time around, maybe it does. Could father be pointing to God? In Christianity, God is referred to as The Father. An interesting thought...
Well this card just made me cry even harder. As I said, I was confused at first with this card. I knew the Emperor had to do with father and with strength. But that didn't make complete sense to me. Until I read the description in the book. The last line of the description is this:
"The Emperor is a man rooted in his ways and views and regimens, but confident that this is the right and way of things."
What is possible for me on this spiritual path? Peace. Knowing what I believe, being rooted in it, and being confident in it. That single line gave me hope. I knew God was telling me it was all going to be ok and that I could get through this.

I think this is the most powerful reading I've ever done. It's definitely the most emotional. It gave me hope and peace in knowing that I'm on the right path. What an experience...If I wasn't a believer in tarot before, I sure as heck am now. :)

Can Christ Love Tarot?

So I don't mean to get into a religious rant here, but this is something I've really been struggling with. I've been a Christian my whole life, and when forced to choose, I still put myself in that category. (Haven't decided if that's because I really believe it or because it's the only thing I know.) But I live in a "Christian Dorm." Which is all fine and dandy. The people are really nice and really devoted, and I'm not trying to down Christians here, because like I said, I still identify with a lot of those beliefs. But tarot is a real issue. Nobody here knows that I've been getting into it. Which for one is really hard because I have to hide my readings from people, and I can't do them whenever I please. Which is really really ANNOYING. lol

But it's also really hard for me...because a lot of Christians think tarot is evil. And this makes me very sad. Because it isn't. It's beautiful. It's a wonderful way to communicate with yourself, and God. But a lot of them don't even think about it, they just freak out and say no!! It's evil, you'll go to hell, burn those demon cards!! I mean, I'm obviously not saying all Christians are like that, because they certainly aren't. I've met people that are perfectly fine with it. (Like my new roommate next year!!!) But for every person that isn't, there are several who are. I don't know. It's just something that's really been on my mind lately. I've been struggling with religion on every level lately, from which one I believe in, to whether or not I even believe in religion as a concept. Maybe I should do a reading about it. Maybe I will later tonight, when everyone goes to sleep...

The Parentals

So my parents don't know that I'm into tarot cards. I've been away at college all semester, so there's really been no reason to tell them; it's never come up. But now the semester's almost over, and I'm trying to figure out how to tell them. I don't want it to be a secret or for me to have to try and hide it when I'm at home, but I don't know how to tell them! I don't think they'd freak out or anything...I mean, they're kind of consrevative and they're christians and everything, but they're usually pretty open minded. But...i don't know, I'm just afraid they'll freak out or something! So fingers crossed...I'll be telling them soon! Hopefully it'll go well...

Significators

To use significators, or not to use significators.
That is the question.

In the readings Sarah did for Lou and I, she used the Celtic Cross spread and significators. So I initially assumed that everyone used them. Come to find out, this is not the case. So now I'm trying to decide how I feel on the subject. (For those of you who don't know, a significator is a card chosen to represent the Querent, the person you're doing the reading for). Sarah originally thought I was Queen of Pentacles, which fit as far as what she knew of me. But since then I've done a lot of research and I've found that I'm definitely The Queen of Cups. Everything I read about her fits. But I don't always use her on readings on myself. I usually just decide whether or not I'm going to use a significator or not on the spot. I always do when using the Celtic Cross, and other big spreads like it. But when doing smaller ones, I tend not to. When I'm doing readings on other people, I let them decide. Some people like to use them, and others don't. It's really just matter of personal preference. Although I will admit, I like using mine because I like to show her off...especially in my shadowscapes deck. She's so beautiful!

The Prologue

Laughter erupted from the small living room, wild smiles bright on everyone's faces. My eyes caught Lou Ellen's and her grin spread even wider. The night was more than what we'd expected, even better than we had hoped. I had never felt so comfortable and open in a house before. Nemo's parents didn't care what you said or what you did, they just let you be. It was a concept I wasn't used to at all, my family being somewhat of the opposite, and it was both fascinating and encouraging to me. I was being more "myself" than I usually allowed. And I liked it. Almost as if she could sense this, Lou nodded her head at me. Getting up from the narrow bench lining the opposite wall, she motioned for me to follow her, and led me into the room where my life was about to change.

Sarah sat on her bed, smoking what had to have been at least her sixth cigarette that night. Happy and tipsy with cherry vodka, she insisted we sit down with her, reached over to the side table beside her, and pulled out an old wooden box. Inside was a multicolored velvet bag on top of some old yellowed book. She looked up at us with a huge grin on her face. "You want me to do a reading for you?" she asked in almost childlike excitement. I had heard of tarot cards and such before, but not enough for me to guess that was what she was talking about. Instead we sat there in silence, staring at her, wondering what on earth she meant. But Sarah seemed undaunted by this, carefully pulled the cards from her bag, and set them on the bed in front of us.

She did Lou Ellen's reading first. I sat next to them on the bed in silence and in awe, completely captivated and astonished by what was happening in front of me. The reading seemed to be perfect. Without hesitation, Sarah looked at the ten cards that Lou had carefully chosen, and proceeded to tell her everything she felt, and everything she had in store for her. She squealed in excitement when she turned over one of the cards. A straight faced man sitting on a throne, with a purple cape around him and a huge sword in his hand stared back at us, the words "King of Swords" written beneath him. "This is Nemo's card," Sarah whispered. The Lovers card was soon to follow, and others pointing towards their relationship continuing and prospering. Dear Sarah was practically jumping up and down she was so excited. You might think it was partially from the alcohol. But I don't think so. I think she was just really that excited to think of her son marrying Lou. 

It's kind of ironic that I don't remember my reading near as well as I do Lou Ellen's. Maybe because there were some things in it that I didn't agree with and that I didn't want to think about. But that didn't stop me from thinking about those cards. They were on my mind the rest of the night, and all into the next morning. Their pictures filled my mind, almost daring me to try and figure them out. The next afternoon I practically ran up the stairs to my dorm room, threw my suitcase on the floor, and got online. I wanted to know everything I could, and I quickly ran across a website that told me just that.

I spent everyday afterward looking at that website, and it wasn't long before I made my way to the nearest head shop to buy my own Rider-Waite deck. I held my breath the first time I opened it, and I was so excited I could hardly contain it. It looked just like Sarah's, only newer. I also bought the book that she had in that wooden box, and started studying it. Things were moving pretty quickly and my obsession was quickly growing. I knew that my parents probably wouldn't approve of this, and the christian dorm that I lived in definitely wouldn't either. But somehow it didn't matter. I knew that they weren't evil.

I don't believe that tarot cards can tell the future. And if you do, that's perfectly fine, as we're all entitled to our own opinions and I wholeheartedly respect that. I personally don't think they can. But I really believe that they help you get in touch with your Inner Self; with your subconscious mind. And I also think that they can be used as signs. I pray before I do a reading, and ask that God let me see and know whatever it is He wants me to see and know. It's an opportunity for God to speak to me, with a lot clearer message.

A couple weeks ago I went to my boyfriend's house and he surprised me with a deck I'd been eying, the Shadowscapes deck. Since I've started reading with them, my obsession has gotten even greater and my readings all the better. They seem to speak to me so much more than the other deck, with a lot more fluid answers. They think like me, if you will. That night I did my first reading on someone other than the myself. My boyfriend Tyler seemed to really enjoy it, and thought I did a good job reading about his issue. The deck also came with a book that I've been reading every chance I get.

And that's where I am now. Tarot has really opened some doors for me, and started getting me to think about things differently. And honestly, I'm really excited about it. I decided to start writing this blog as a way for me to express what I'm going through and how I'm feeling on my journey with tarot. Who knows if anyone besides myself will ever read this, but if they do...if you are, then I hope you enjoy it. These are my raw feelings on the issues in my life and how I'm using these cards to help me stay balanced in this insane world. And with that, we shall begin...